On the way there her sats dropped down into the 50's. I kept turning up the oxygen, none of us realizing that the very thing that was supposed to be helping her was actually having an adverse effect and was drowning her instead.
I remember doing a lot of praying and felt a fear I had not felt in a very long time - terror. I evidently posted a message to my Facebook family and friends - "Rushing Annabel to ER - please pray!!!!" because that's what came up on my Timehop today.
In the ER on June 8, 2013 after they got her stabilized |
I had felt terror like this only one other time in my life - during a home invasion on Halloween night when I was a sophomore in high school. I have not been a fan of Halloween since, just as I have feared the impending June 8 this year.
Most of you know the rest of the story - we spent the next 34 days in the PICU on a Vapotherm machine awaiting heart surgery, then another 25 days recovering from said heart surgery and the complications Annabel had from that. That in itself is a story that I often wish I had better documented, and then other times would like to forget, as it came with its own frustrations and close-call events.
I have been dreading this anniversary, dreading the emotions that I knew would come with it. I am sitting here with my laptop in the living room, watching Annabel, who is sitting in front of me in her monkey chair watching BabyTV as she holds the syringe we flush her feeding tube with. She has taken possession of two things - that syringe and my hairbrush, claiming them as her own, and will hold onto them for hours at a time, even through naps in her swing. She turns around and grins at me, her glasses down around her neck. I stand up to fix them and she grins again and reaches up for me wanting a hug and kiss on the forehead, our routine when I fix her glasses for the umpteenth time each day. Her curly bedhead makes me smile, and I think about that beautiful baby with the big blue eyes, so tiny and fragile a year ago who endured more than anyone should have to endure, but today is a healthy and incredibly happy almost 15-month-old who has come so very far. I am so thankful she will not remember the events of the past year. Some day, when she is old enough to understand, she will be amazed by her first year of life - the surgeries, the hospitals stays, all the tubes and medical equipment. Some day she will know why she's my little superhero, why I hold her so tightly and smother her with kisses, why I tell her constantly how much I love her, how proud I am of her accomplishments, how lucky I am to be her mommy, why I am so fiercely protective of her.
On Memorial Day, 2014 |
July 11 will hold another special day - heart surgery - but once again I will celebrate and rejoice in how far Annabel has come, and how happy and stress-free life is these days. I will enjoy these anniversaries and think of them as an occasion to give thanks for this incredible gift I have been given - this little girl I waited all my life for, who holds my heart in one chubby little hand (and her syringe or my hairbrush in the other ;-) )
Have a great weekend everyone!
Much love,
Anne-Marie
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