October 12, 2012

Since Russell had to work I took my mother and mother in-law with me to the ultrasound.  This time we were upstairs in the regular ultrasound clinic.  I had a different technician this time and she was quick to conclude that the baby was still not going to cooperate.  We would have to do a different genetic test.  She briefly mentioned a new test that they had just started performing this year.  It was non-invasive, a simple blood test.  What could be easier? I had heard about the CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) and had decided I didn't want to do it as it is invasive and carries a slight risk of miscarriage. This new test seemed perfect.

The technician suggested we make an appointment with the Geneticist for the following week and she would go over our options with us.

When had birthing babies become so complicated?  Numerous ultrasounds, genetic counseling, blood tests to check for Trisomies?  It all seemed so overwhelming, and I once more felt as if I were in high school.  Would I pass the test?  And if I didn't would fingers be pointed at me for doing something wrong and harming my precious baby?  I worried endlessly over every little ache and pain, every possible (bad) scenario playing over and over again in my mind.

I worried about giving birth having heard horror stories of women dying.  Would a C-section be easier?  What if the epidural didn't work on me because of my weight?  I didn't want to be cut open either.  I had visions of storks and cabbage patches and wished the fairy tales were reality.  All of this just seemed so difficult.  I felt guilty for not being stronger; for not being that super mommy who can give birth in a cave with a war raging in the background through 48 hours of labor and no pain meds.  I was scared.

I am a planner. I don't like surprises.  I felt out of control.  I didn't plan any of this - not the pregnancy, and certainly not the extreme amount of medical attention I was receiving.  I wanted this baby more than anything, but this wasn't the pretty picture I had always painted of pregnancy.  I would have preferred to stay peacefully oblivious.

Over and over I have been told to not stress as it's bad for the baby.  Let me just say, pregnancy is one of the most stressful times in your life!  And the stress was just beginning...