The beach house had gone through some welcome renovations and I walked around excitedly checking them out while Russell carried everything upstairs. Cookie and Max immediately found their places on the sofa while Rufus and Olivia checked out the new toys in the toybox. Bailey, our resident Barney Fife, took up residence on the front deck, running back and forth while keeping a watchful eye on his temporary property.
We normally spend the week traveling around the island, doing all of our usual things, visiting our traditional places. But this week I was feeling so poorly that I ended up parked on the sofa or deck most of the time while my dear husband got takeout or cooked our meals. The normally simple act of walking on the beach was difficult for me, so sadly, I only did it twice.
But overlooking that ocean we chose the name for our baby if she turned out to be a girl. We had already decided on the name Leora for her middle name, after my maternal grandmother's middle name. We heard the name Annabella on television and we both commented on what a beautiful name it was. It brought up memories of one of my favorite poems, Annabel Lee by Edgar Allen Poe. Russell and I met in high school and I fondly remember our English teacher, Mrs. Coon, reading the poem to us. She was an older woman, a romantic although it was often masked by a harder edge. She pushed her students to be the best they could be. I didn't appreciate her until years later, and today I appreciate her even more. I think she would be surprised, but proud, of my chosen profession as a writer, and I wish I could tell her how much of an influence she was on me.
So, at this beautiful cottage by the sea, the name Annabel Leora was chosen. The poem is a tragic love story, Poe's last published work. And just as our Annabel already is, Poe's Annabel Lee was loved beyond measure!
On Wednesday my doctor's nurse called to let me know they had gotten the results from my routine tests back and I had a UTI. No wonder I felt so bad! She called in a prescription to a local CVS. I hoped and prayed the antibiotics would help me feel better. Of course it didn't take away the nausea, but it did take away most of the back pain, and for that I was so thankful.
On one of our last days there we went to Manteo, ate lunch and sat on the benches overlooking the harbor. That was one of my favorite days there; just sitting there enjoying the weather and each other's company. During this trip I had thought a lot about how this would be our last vacation without a little one in tow. The thought brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't wait to show our baby the ocean, place her little feet in the warm sand for the first time, and hear her laugh at the seagulls as they laughed back. Along with the additions of the beach house they owners had even added a brand new Pack and Play, all folded up and waiting for us the next time we visited. It was as if it was meant to be!
On the way back to the house Russell asked if I wanted to go to the Coach outlet. It is usually on the top of my list of places I want to go, but this time I just didn't have the desire. But my husband has always had a mind of his own, and he pulled into the parking lot anyway and parked right in front of the door. He wanted to look for a diaper bag. So terrified that something would go wrong, I had been very reluctant to buy anything for the baby. I knew it was ridiculous to be so superstitious, but when you want something so badly and are terrified it's going to be taken away from you at any moment, your mind goes to some really dark places.
Before we adopted our (now adult) children from Russia we had several failed adoptions. We had bought the crib, the bedding, the stroller and carseat, the clothes and the toys. We had a diaper service lined up and our dreams were big. But it was not meant to be. A few years ago I finally got rid of everything we had stored away for that baby who was not meant to be ours. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. The crib was not just a crib, nor the stroller simply a stroller. It represented so much more, and parting with those things signified something I was not ready to give up.
And now, as I stood there in the Coach store, all those memories came flooding back. Did we dare buy something for this baby or would I be packing that up as well? I kept telling myself this time was different. This was our baby and no one could take her away from us.
We left the store with a beautiful turquoise diaper bag, chosen by my husband. When we got back to the beach house I looked at the tag to discover the name of the color was "Mermaid" - how perfectly fitting.
To me, that diaper bag represented hope and possibility and a dream that was finally being fulfilled.
Today it sits in the baby's room, still in the big white Coach bag with the red writing, looking just as it did when I carried it out of the store. In my mind I have decided exactly how I am going to pack each item inside. I cannot wait to use it.
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