Hugging Kim goodbye I felt a flood of fear. Her visit had provided me with a wonderful distraction that I desperately needed. But now that she was leaving for home and I was leaving for my doctor visit, I felt like a prisoner being returned to my cell.
Walking down the hall to the exam room my doctor's nurse said she had been thinking of of us. I guess people don't get a diagnosis of Down syndrome every day and word had quickly gotten around. Her kindness immediately brought on the tears and I couldn't respond and I walked numbly back to the exam room.
We sat there waiting for a few minutes, me staring blankly at the wall and then turning to my husband. I noticed he was wearing flipflops with socks. He had been in such a hurry to leave that he had forgotten to put on his shoes. I guess he was just as nervous as I was.
My doctor came into the room, took one look at me and immediately embraced me in a hug. That, of course, brought on another onslaught of tears, but this time I couldn't stop them. They continued to flow for the duration of the visit. It was brief; she didn't discuss anything other than the diagnosis and gave us words of encouragement. She kept her hands on my legs the entire time, patting and reassuring. She told us what we could expect, and talked as if she were a friend, not a doctor. She gave me her personal cell phone number and told me to call her any time - day or night. I assured her I would be fine and wouldn't need it, but she just smiled and pressed the card into my hand. "Any time, day or night," she repeated.
She said my pain was probably round ligament pain and I felt satisfied with that explanation. At this point my pain seemed like a drop in the bucket compared to the Down syndrome diagnosis.
We heard the baby's strong heartbeat and I of course felt a huge sense of relief. I had been feeling flutters of movement since 12 weeks, but nothing on a regular basis. I longed for the day when I felt her move all the time. I knew I would feel more secure once that happened. "It won't be long," my doctor assured me.
Russell told her that one of my worse fears was that the baby would die in utero. "Of all the things you could worry about, at this point in the pregnancy that would be the last thing on the list," she assured me. That made me feel somewhat better.
She wanted me to have my Level 2 ultrasound done at 20 weeks, which was 4 weeks away, so we scheduled it along with my routine prenatal visit for the same day. I was a little nervous about it, but didn't give it much thought. The baby had been okay at every ultrasound, her heartbeat strong. She had 2 arms and 2 legs, 4 fingers and 1 thumb on each hand. She looked perfect. Other than her having Down syndrome, what could possibly go wrong? I knew there was a good chance she could have a heart defect, but at the same time I was hopeful that she wouldn't, because honestly, I didn't think I could handle much more heartache.
When we got home I discovered that Kim had cleaned the house before she left. I was so grateful to her for her thoughtfulness and her gesture touched me immensely.
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